David Waranch (00:24):
Hello everybody. It’s David Waranch. Welcome again to the Authentic Dad Podcast. And thanks for joining me today. I am joined by Dr. Jeffrey. Kranzler Dr. Kranzler wrote a book for particularly middle-schoolers and the book explores self-confidence and social anxiety and bullying and social activism. And we’re going to put all that in the show notes. Of course, I hope you check it out. It was really awesome conversation, especially if you have children. I mean, a lot of us really deal with these issues, how to deal with bullies, how to cultivate self confidence, social anxiety, particularly during the pandemic. And I personally got a whole lot out of it. It was really good advice. So I hope you stick with it. Authentic Dad Podcast is here for fathers and non fathers, but we’re really trying to inspire particularly dads to live life on their own terms and flourish in their relationships and have this beautiful relationship even with themselves.
David Waranch (01:26):
If you want that email at furthur.coach, F U R T H U r.coach. And there’s a thing on my website. Sign up for a free 30 minute discovery call. Check me out on Instagram, further underscore coaching. Tik Tok furthur coaching. I’d love to hear your feedback too. If you know anyone that wants to be a guest, I’d love your five star reviews. I’d love your subscribes. If you are enjoying this, please tell other people and I hope wherever you are, you’re safe well and healthy. Thank you so much for listening and we’ll see you on the other side.
So I’m here with Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler PhD and LCSW. He’s a proud husband, son, brother, and father of three. He’s a therapist. He practices in Bethesda specializes in providing social skills, mood regulation, and anxiety management skills for individuals on the autism spectrum across the lifespan.
David Waranch (02:23):
He consults for the Maryland chapter of the national mentoring research center and help schools and community organizations create mentoring programs for immigrant youth. Excuse me, and very exciting. He has recently published the Crimson protector. It’s a book, a superhero adventure novel, and it teaches middle schoolers how to build confidence, overcome social anxiety, and handle bullying it’s available on Amazon. We’ll put all that in the show notes, Dr. Kranzler, how’s it going? It’s going great. Thanks so much for having me. Thank you very much for being here. I always like to start, we’ll talk about the book, of course, like getting your story, how you landed in what you’re doing, because I think it’s really important. So where did, where did that happen? How did that happen?
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (03:11):
Absolutely. So I I’ve been a social worker now for 14 years. I was probably born a social worker. And one of the things that I love doing is teaching kids skills. It’s not just about kind of listening. It’s also about empowering kids. So whenever I work with kids, I want to empower them to handle anxiety, to handle bullying to handle and build their own confidence. And, and as I teach skills, I was hoping to find another way to communicate those skills in session. It’s really, really great, but kids know that they’re building skills when you put skills into a book. And the reason why I put this book out is because I’ve always been a big fan of fiction. And one of the things that’s amazing about fiction is its ability to communicate ideas in a much more powerful and subtle way.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (04:05):
And so when I couldn’t, I had the the thought that can I play, can I possibly teach these skills in a way that is organic in a way that is powerful in a way that kids aren’t thinking, Oh, I’m learning how to handle social anxiety. Oh, I’m learning how to build confidence. Oh, I’m learning how to handle bullying. You know, if you hand a kid, a workbook with that, they’re going to say no. And this is a superhero adventure where there’s no workbook. There’s no, Hey kids stop here. And remember these skills, this is a story in which kids live those skills. They live failures to implement skills and they live implementing the skills and the successes that come along with it just by identifying and reading the story of the character and following along in that capacity. So it was just a real big a thrill also, cause I’m a huge comic book fan to be able to take that love and put it together with with the skills work that I do to be able to translate and communicate these really important ideas in a way that’s fun and kids don’t really even realize that they’re learning when in fact that they are.
David Waranch (05:17):
Yeah, no, it’s, I love what you’re saying. And it really resonates with me. It brings to mind, my daughter was reading like a babysitter’s club book and one of the characters had type one diabetes. It turns out. So does my wife and I think something happened when she read that in a book that really clicked of what it was. It helped her understand it, it helped to understand sort of the struggles that my wife went through. So I really love this idea of it makes it tangible and really kind of, instead of like an adult or a therapist teaching them, there’s something about a book that you read, I think really has an impact. So Bravo for doing that. Could you tell us a little bit more about the plot?
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (06:08):
Sure. So it starts out with this main character who is lacking confidence in order to approach and to approach people and especially the, the catalyst of the action is that he is he is nervous about approaching his crush. And this is a middle school book. And of course, all middle school is about crushes. And so this character decides to reach out for help, to help build his confidence, to help them overcome that. And one of the underlying messages of the book, again, not something you say out loud, but something to the characters live is that for middle schoolers, for tweens pre middle-school post middle school, all the people who are reading this, don’t wait for other people to reach out. Don’t wait for other people to notice what’s going on. If you have something you reach out for help.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (06:54):
So this character reaches out for help and gets a mentor finds out about a mentoring program, reaches out for mentoring in the interactions with the mentor. The mentor helps him build confidence, having him talking things out having him do certain things and the, the, the, the mentor says, okay, so the find the biggest way you built confidence, the best way to overcome these pieces is to use the things you’re good at to do, to contribute to this world, to make this world a better place. And this character misinterprets that and decides that with all of its all of his strengths that he is going to be a superhero and the way that he is going to contribute to this world. And, you know, one of the other pieces that comes up often in this book is he’s witnessing a lot of bullying going on.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (07:42):
He says, I’m going to use, I’ve been working out. I’m good at gymnastics. I can sew my own costume. I, you know, I am going to beat the stuffing out of bullies because that’s how I’m going to make the world a better place. I’m going to stop bullying that way. And the character learns that that is not actually not only not right, but also not effective. And after learning that goes ahead and actually connecting to the us civil rights movement, a history of his town realizes that standing up for what’s right. Not getting involved in violence but rather bravely standing up for what’s. Right. and especially, especially in terms of kids who are being bullied standing up and doing the hard things, even though there is a lot of pressure against you is the way that you help people help people not be bullied. It’s how you overcome social anxiety is how you build confidence that the character then really becomes a hero because he learns that violence. Isn’t the way to do it, but being brave is, and so that’s kind of like the general overview of the book as a whole.
David Waranch (08:47):
Yeah, no, there’s a lot of richness there. We have civil rights, movement, confidence, social anxiety bullying. Give us a little more, like, let’s say context from some of the work you do. If a child, how do you, like, what are the signs signs of a child? Let’s say who lacks confidence? What do we look for? If you’re a parent, it seems like an obvious question, but I’m not sure.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (09:08):
It’s not always obvious. I mean, sometimes sometimes it can be projected pretty well, but I think anytime that a, a kid is hesitant and is not engaging, whether it’s with friends or not engaging with schoolwork there’s a lot of different things that can be involved there. There’s always a learning disability and social skills difficulties. And a lack of confidence is something that can really, really be present when your kid is really wants to do something. And isn’t, and I think that’s the biggest, the biggest sign for me, or, you know, it’s not even that they’ll say I want to do this, but I’m not, but they’ll say I don’t want to do something, which you D do you, as a parent know that. Right.
David Waranch (09:51):
Right. Yeah. So in some ways it’s almost like impairing their functioning. Cause you know, your child, for example, loves art, but she doesn’t want to go to the art class. And it’s like, Hmm, that’s interesting. What’s that about? Exactly. So so the book sounds like an awesome resource and, and one that children hopefully will, will read after this and what let’s say someone’s in your office besides the book w what kind of things like a child I’m thinking, you know, like a middle schooler, what do you, what do you do? Like how do you help them? Let’s say, it’s, it’s not anything else, but a learned lack of confidence and social anxiety as well, got bullying separately, right?
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (10:40):
The, the, the first thing you always want to be able to do is to make sure that there isn’t a clinical piece too. And that’s a very important rule out that as a parent, you want to do, if this is something that you, as a parent can do yourself, it’s, it’s possible. And there are some times that there are more deeper elements going on, like a real underlying anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder that you know, that, that you want to make sure isn’t going on. And if it, if it is going really intensely, you want to speak to a professional. And as a parent, there are things you can do yourself. Couple of those things are giving your kid real world opportunities to succeed, not overly challenging pieces, but providing opportunities, maybe in smaller context, if your child, like you brought up a great example, your child loves art and is really not confident about going to an art class. What you want to do is not to sit there and compliment their art on, you know ceaselessly, because you’re their parent. And as a parent, our kids don’t take our opinions very seriously. Especially if it is complimentary to them, they think, well, you’re on my parents.
David Waranch (11:46):
Yeah. Yeah. I’m totally guilty of that. Yeah. We all, are we all?
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (11:51):
Yeah. and, and giving them, let’s say a smaller opportunity, perhaps a chance to work one-on-one with a college kid who’s in art school or a high school kid who who’s doing that. And to be able to learn, gain some skills, gain some feedback from a non parental adult figure that can build that up to the point where then you can transition to a higher one, but it’s always about laddering about taking smaller steps and getting real world experience that is reinforced by non parental adults.
David Waranch (12:27):
Right. It’s like spiraling upward. Yes. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I love what you’re saying. You’re saying in power and two themes here, power empowerment. And, and as you said in the book mentorship, you know, and sometimes that mentorship can come from an older kid, a babysitter and hopefully in something tangible outside of the parent complementing, Oh, you’re great. You know, kids are smart. Like, yeah, you’re my dad. Of course you think it’s great, but when somebody else like a mentor or a peer or someone outside, it sounds like that makes a huge impact. So that’s, that’s really helpful. Thank you. What would you say to parents, let’s say a more severe case where, where it is a anxiety disorder what, how do you, how do you treat that? I assume there’s some medication and some therapy potentially. What are you
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (13:23):
Still do? You know what we talked about before? And it needs to be complimented by professionals. So what you want to be able to do is to reach out and get a good recommendation. There’s a lot of therapists out there who are not the best in the world. And what you want to do is get the right clinical help. When it comes to anxiety, the gold standard of care is cognitive behavioral therapy. So anytime that you’re reaching out, you want to go to somebody who has a specialty or training in that you want somebody who’s specifically works with kids, and those are hard to find out there. But if you do find them that can connect you either it’s just straight up therapy. Sometimes there needs to be a consultation with a psychiatrist, but either way, it’s finding the right help and allowing yourself to not pressure yourself, to have all the answers when you don’t really need to you to, for you also to be able to rely on the professionals, to support you as a parent,
David Waranch (14:18):
Maybe this is an obvious one too. Like, why do we, why do you think competence is even important? Like, what is so important about making sure our children are confident?
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (14:31):
I think confidence is the underlying fundamental a foundation of a, of, of mental health. That if you are, have a heavy, deep belief in yourself in your capacity, not, not just your capacity to do it by yourself, but your ability to reach out for help. And then to utilize that help, there is very little ven that is cut off from you. There are very little opportunities that you will turn down. There is very little very little chances or risks that are, are good risks that you will not take that underlying belief in your capacity to manage handle and obtain necessary resources is, is the most key factor in succeeding in this.
David Waranch (15:20):
And, and in a way that you do it, not, not, not mom or dad is doing that for you. Now. I love that. You’re because I think a lot of people think of confidence as this sort of like, you know, walking into the room and, you know, being able to speak in public and not worrying what people think. But you’re, you’re saying something a little different confidence is almost like being resourceful, knowing when you need help and getting out of your comfort zone or, or asking for it when you need it and sort of managing it’s almost like an executive functioning as well. It seems like rather than you know, let’s say kids on zoom, having trouble with the math test, instead of putting their head in the sand, they might chat with the teacher and say, Hey, I’m having trouble with this. Can you help me? Can we spend some time? And that for you is what you’re saying is, is a form of confidence.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (16:16):
Absolutely. the, the key thing here is the ability for us to, to go away from extremes where we say, either you’re totally dependent on somebody, or you can totally do it by yourself. Confidence is that ability to say that, Hey, I’m going to give it my best shot. And I am frankly, confident enough in myself, I feel comfortable reaching out for help. It is not a knock against me to reach out for help. I am not too nervous to reach out for help. I’m not too thinking too poorly of myself to reach out for help. I believe in myself that I can take that help and use it to overcome.
David Waranch (16:56):
Have you seen it the other way where a kid comes in? It’s like, man, you’re sort of a little bit blinded by your I don’t know if you have, I don’t know if those type of people that are coming into your office w can a child be overconfident.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (17:12):
I wish the problem was overconfidence. It is so much, I think it’s so much easier to to tap, help kids take a step back from overconfidence than it is to build up a lack of confidence. And I just, I don’t see it. I don’t see it as much. I think when you have too much confidence, the only problem is that you don’t actually seek out contradictory opinions actually help. But th the, the, I wish that was more the issue than the other.
David Waranch (17:44):
Yeah. I know a couple of kids like that. I won’t, I won’t I won’t out anybody. All right. That’s really helpful. Let’s talk, let’s sort of transition to the social anxiety related to confidence, and I’m assuming yes, yes, for sure. But are they different?
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (18:04):
They’re absolutely different. You know, you can feel confident and confident will confidence will help with social anxiety, but a social anxiety. If we’re talking about this more, if it’s just a general social anxiety, it’s not something clinical, it’s not something medical or social anxiety disorder, but a social anxiety is something. In both cases, though, it is a fear of what will occur. If you were to approach somebody, it can be either fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment, a fear of not knowing what to say, but it’s a fear of something that is very unpleasant occurring, making you feel really bad. And therefore you avoid that interaction. And when it comes to social anxiety, there are real disorders, and those are pieces that need help from therapists. But there is to some degree, a healthy amount of social anxiety, and everybody, I think very few people who are just born, able to snap their fingers and walk into a room and be the social butterfly. That’s the, the, if it is a nonclinical form of it and developing your confidence, your confidence, not only in what you what you can say, what you can do, but also how you are confident that you can handle it. If you get rejected, that can make the biggest difference in, in terms of social anxiety.
David Waranch (19:31):
Yeah, no, I’m imagining like a kid can be confident. Let’s say they know the answer to a particular question. They know they’re right, but they don’t want to raise their hand because they’re embarrassed or afraid what their peers just may think of them. Maybe they don’t like their voice, or maybe they don’t like the shirt they’re wearing and they don’t want to kind of be in the spotlight. Right. Sound sounds like that could totally happen where you have the confidence, but, but the social but you’re afraid of, of being seen, I guess, in a way
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (20:06):
There’s, there’s lots of very, very scary outcomes about being seen. Kids are merciless. I mean, adults aren’t much better, but kids can make fun of the littlest thing. And humiliation is, is one of the most difficult emotions to feel a feeling of incompetence is one of the most difficult emotions to feel. And if you put yourself on the line, if you have experienced that as a kid and had such an awful experience with it, you never want to experience it again. Then it makes sense. It’s logical to avoid it, even though it is highly destructive to your own, your own wellbeing.
David Waranch (20:41):
And what do we know about the age old question is this wiring, is this how the child is raised? Both is, is, are we finding that one is more impactful than the other? And how does this form,
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (20:55):
This is a classic nature versus nurture debate that you’re speaking about. And yeah, I think what, what most modern research has really shown is that they both play a part. And there’s a lot more to genetics than in the previous decades, we’ve, we’ve been thinking about it’s always possible for somebody to be in a situation that causes them to be socially anxious, a hundred percent but real clinical pieces. Those really are usually pre-written in the genetic code and get triggered to come out. But we rarely in, in a session, we’ll see a, you know, an individual who is suffering from this very specific clinical piece that isn’t somewhere in a family history.
David Waranch (21:45):
Yeah. And it’s still the lady Gaga song. I, you know, I’m, I was born this way. I can totally, as I get older and as I have my own children and I’m observing and you can learn, the nice thing is about it. You can learn the skills to be more confident and so on and so forth, but there does seem to be some wiring. And I’m talking about myself that I’m always been fighting against. I’ve always had, have had anxiety. And as I’ve gotten older and grown and had cognitive behavioral therapy and all kinds of things, it does make an impact, but I definitely was born that way. So
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (22:23):
It’s important for people to kind of not beat themselves up. It’s important to know that that, that it’s not, you know, the, the, the kids, you know, it’s not their fault. This is not something they brought on. Or, so this is not, they were broke a rule and this is a punishment. This is something they were born with. And at the same time, as if giving yourself a freedom from guilt or shame about it and all support to keep in mind, you know, like you were saying, it’s not predestination. You can be born with it. And if you get those skills, you know, it may never be completely like, you know, it, I never walk into a room like James Dean and using skills that you get. And in confidence, you can actually overcome a lot of the roadblocks that those things put in place.
David Waranch (23:04):
Yeah. I think we also live in a world where personality is really rewarded. So I’m just thinking about like introverts and maybe people who are a little quieter and shyer. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s harder because we saw a reward, you know, the funny guy or the charismatic person. So I, yeah, I know I want, I don’t want this conversation to come off as like a judgment, like you have to be more confident, but maybe just some awareness of what you can do to kind of grow in that area. Because I do think there can be a little bit of a shaming for people who aren’t, as aren’t, as outspoken, confident, not as natural at making friends. And maybe on top of having those feelings is other feeling like I’m not good enough. You know, why can’t it be like this other kid
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (24:01):
You’re really hitting? I think on something super important in our, in our, in our common day that, you know, what researchers have been shown is that we just are not valuing introverts and everything is pushed, just because know, when, when we talk about having confidence and having be able to overcome social anxiety, we don’t mean that you need to constantly enjoy interaction. You constantly must have it. You must be the most charismatic person in the world. All you need in life is a, is a deep, a deep partnership, romantic connection with one person and some solid friendships. And if you have that, you know, that’s enough. We don’t give enough credit to introverts. And the only key piece to remember is to let introverts be, and to not conflate that with wanting to interact and not being able to. So being able to teach intro introverts, how to do extroverts, who are anxious, how to do it, but also giving people the room as parents to do that.
David Waranch (25:00):
Look, you’re not running for mayor. Most people, I mean, if you are, and it doesn’t help to have a a phone with all these social media things where we’re sort of, how many likes, how many friends, dah, dah, dah, dah. And I love exactly what you said. The key distinction is you want to, you want to, but, but, but you can’t like, there’s a dysfunction, which is different than a kid. Who’s like, yeah, I don’t want to. But what you’re saying is like, no, this child tween wants to do it, but can’t do it. So we’re going to try to give them the tools, the skills to do something he or she, or they want to do, which I think is a key distinction rather than you should be a certain way. It’s more, you’re struggling to do something you want to do. And you can.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (25:47):
Yes, I think, and then there’s a lot of pressure on parents too, to freak out if their kids aren’t super social. Now, it’s never been that way before. But I think parents, if their kids have a few good friends or they’re not the top of the class popular, constantly getting calls all over time, they’re kind of hanging out maybe with the same two people, but enjoying reading books like that, that’s not a disorder. If every few years somebody is happy and has, you know, some social contact that gives them a sense of satisfaction. That’s all that’s needed. And it’s sometimes very hard in today’s world too, to figure out whether that’s the case or whether somebody is dying inside because they really want more social things, social interaction,
David Waranch (26:33):
And how many actual really deep, profound connections can, can one even have, you know, most of the so-called friends, air quote, not your friends, as we know, but it really feels good to have a whole lot of quote, friends and likes. And yeah, I mean, it gets worse. My son is getting to the tween and just, just that, that dopamine, you know, on that, on that phone, he just got a phone about, they really engineered that and it’s, it’s really addictive. And so we’re, we’re fighting against it. It’s not easy. It’s another other part. Yeah. Let’s do you want to, let’s talk about bullying and, and tell me, you could, you could talk about it in the context of the book or, or what, or what you see this seems to be in. Thankfully, I haven’t had to deal with it much with my children, but I know it’s really thankfully there’s a lot of awareness these days about it because when I was a kid not so much, it was just, you know, walk it off, punch him in the face or ignore him, or, you know, there wasn’t a lot of that.
David Waranch (27:46):
At least I don’t, I don’t remember growing up people talking about bullying, which is super harmful, you know, 30 years down the road, I’m sure it’s, some people are still kind of traumatized by what happened on their bus in fourth grade or something,
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (28:00):
The effects of bullying stand. And they stand the test of time. Unfortunately, it’s really prevalent. It’s really relevant because a lot of kids are being hurt. You know, when it comes to the piece of bullying, there’s kind of, there, there are multiple pieces to talk about, to think about. And the first, most important is to talk about the people who are not being bullied and the reason, and neither the bullied nor the bully bellied person is because those people have the greatest power to impact bullies generally bully in front of other people because it raises their esteem in their own eyes. And often power and control are seen as a high esteem by others. And when others react in a certain way, when others have walk away, others report others vocally, the biggest piece is to vocally stay state, that they do not find this impressive.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (29:02):
That has a really major impact on it. When bullies see that the that the outcome that their actions, the point of all bullying, whatever anybody says, the point of it is to gain power and standing in the eyes of others. It is a power play and frankly, a very effective power play because either the person isn’t who sees it is too scared then to go against this person themselves, which gives this person power, or they don’t want to be heard. So they join in, or they enjoy watching it, you know, because they’re kids and they, you know, and, and, and it seems they don’t realize the extent of the harm. So the people who are around being able to, and that’s the two parts that this book does, is it trains the people who are standing around what they can do effectively, neither to ignore nor to be engaged in violence.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (29:56):
Both of those are not effective, but what to say and what to do, that’s effective. And it also trains kids who are being bullied. What to say in response there too, you don’t get engaged in violence and you don’t ignore it because if you ignore, it just keeps going on. But there is a very specific way to to respond and the research shown to respond. And in this book, I have the character one of the characters responding in a couple of different, very effective ways. So again, the kids are not like being told, this is a workbook. When you get bullied, do this, they’re seeing a character respond in a certain way. That’s really cool.
David Waranch (30:32):
So what is the research in and give us a couple tidbits from the book, what what’s the appropriate way to respond or the effective way?
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (30:40):
So the most effective way for for anybody to respond to bullying is to put on a mask of indifference, the more anger and hurt you show, the more they win bullies want to create a negative outcome from you. That’s how they get bullied. But when you show boredom that’s so you don’t walk away, you’re there and you show boredom with a statement, both it would be practice with kids having a body and facial a language that shows boredom, even if there’s anger inside and words that show boredom and irrelevance and and so realize. So, okay. So one of the, so one of the ways in the book, so character is describing, you know, how he was approached by a bully, bully came over and said, you know, you are you’re wow, you really smell that. And they said whatever, like what do mean, whatever you really smell bad.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (31:37):
I was like, and your point is, my point is that you smell bad. And this last line that somebody says is one of the most effective things they say, bully comes back and you say back to the bullying. Wow. You really think about me a lot. And I put somebody on on it. No, no, I don’t. Well, you keep talking about me. So you must like me, or you must really be thinking about me and that sits on edge, put a smile on, count to two, walk away. And then it’s a very different walking away than just walking away before show in this way, you not only fill, insult back, don’t engage back. You show it doesn’t affect you. You put in a little bit of yourself, you put in a little bit of a jab back that is not insulting, but simply a pretty strong statement and you walk away. And another one of the things that the book teaches his kids, how to joke joining the joke themselves, somebody makes fun of them. You smell bad. Okay. Oh yeah, totally smell bad. You know, I, I just when I wake up in the morning, I’m hanging out with me and my skunks are my best friends. I know. I just said, I smelled bad. I don’t know. You seem to repeat it yourself. Right.
David Waranch (32:43):
So what are they going to do with that? Right. You’re you’re whether you’d smell bad or don’t, you’re fully owning yourself, it’s confident. And you’re just collapsing of this image of just like putting a balloon, just popping. Cause he’s got the bully has nothing. Yeah.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (32:58):
And it won’t end right away. It’s going to continue on. And the whole point is, how do you do? And it’s a very specific formula is a very specific, here’s how you do it. Here’s how you look. This is how you, this is when you walk away. And it’s really, really important for it to be mastered because you know, being able to report to administrators is good. And sometimes administrators at schools don’t handle it the right way. Or, you know, if they do handle it the right way, there are things that occur that aren’t in their purview, that things that they don’t have have insight into. And so your ability to feel confident and reacting to it, as well as known that you have backup and that you know, that there are people who have your back that that’s you know, for all of these reasons why I’m so excited about this book, because I feel all the things we’re talking limit builds that competence, it opens, overcome social anxiety, teach them how to handle that bullying. You know, it’s not the be all and end all the boys that are really great start.
David Waranch (33:55):
It’s all connected. Yeah. No, the advice I was given as a kid, by my grandfather, not as artful as what you’re saying is basically kick them in the nuts, bring them down to your size. And I think this is probably more, well, I don’t wanna say it’s more effective, but it’s, but it’s less violent and yeah. I mean, and then I liked the whole thing about the smell. Cause you’re kind of owning. Yeah. Maybe I do smell bad. Maybe I love it, man. I just, I try to smell horrible. Yeah. Why are you spending so much time thinking about, he must love me. What’s going on? That it’s really good. And I’m like, to what extent should, like for example, kid comes home or comes off the zoom screen whatever’s happening. And they, they share that this, this child was pulling them. I imagine, I, I, you know, I’m just putting myself in that position can ask, like, how did you handle that? And how did that make you feel and what to, when, when should a parent like intervene
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (35:00):
The most key thing, first of all, you, if you’re a parent you’re being told, this is not, Oh, don’t take that for granted. It’s not, they’re not going to actually tell their parents. And if you react in a certain way, they’re going to stop telling you. So what do you need to do as a parent when you’re told this is to simply validate, don’t jump in to try and solve the problem. Even though we are dying inside as a parent, if we want to go and punch the kid in the face, right.
David Waranch (35:25):
That is an understatement. I, it really hits a nerve in me. Yeah. I want to punch. Yeah. I want to punch the kid. Yeah,
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (35:35):
Me too. You know for the first time my sister came home on a bus when she was seven and told me that, like this kid, you know, I was I was 17 and told me this other seven-year-old messing with her. I was like, I knew where that seven-year-old lived over there, but knock on the door and punch him in the face. I got
David Waranch (35:52):
A little sister. Yep. I totally get it.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (35:54):
And now, you know, so I think the most important thing is for you to keep your emotions in check as a parent and just validate, just build that music. That sounds like that was awful. That must have been so hard. You must be so furious. You must be so upset and just let the kid get it out. Very rarely. Does the kid come to you and say, I want you to fix this right? They want you to hear them. And if you do, only thing, validate that as amazing. And after that, the way you can handle it is that you don’t say I’m going to call the teacher or I’m going to do this, or you’ve got to do this transitioning to is you validate, you validate. So, so what are your thoughts? What do you think you’re going to do about this? And they say, I don’t know, what have you thought of so far?
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (36:38):
And if they absolutely see, and then you want to ask, do you want my help in this? Or is it, do you want me to just listen? Because it’s really important. Sometimes the kids don’t want your help and then you could have the most brilliant response. If you force your answer onto them, they will never share it with you. Again, your job is to be the person who hears it validated and offers. Would you like my help or not? Or should I just listen? Because data points, you gathering data points makes you the most effective that you can be as you’re going to deal with it.
David Waranch (37:09):
Yeah, I it’s, it’s empowerment. And, and I know what happens in me. It gets so angry. Then it becomes about me and my anger and not what, not what the child is, is saying. I have a tendency to be like, what’s his number? What’s his address or whatever. That’s really
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (37:28):
The model we model for our kids. If we can maintain our own intense emotions and response to it, we model for our kids that it’s okay. If we freak out the message we’re giving to our kids is this is not okay. If it happens again, it’s a really, really bad and it’s affecting me too. So you keeping that in check is one of the most important things in all of this asking whether they want some advice in, if they want advice, not to say, do this, do this, but instead to phrase it in this exact way to say, what do you think about this? What do you think? And that will you empower? Like you said, the word before I power power, the kid, if they want it, Dave, they’re the ones who took it. And if not, they didn’t, but you’re not imposing your own will upon
David Waranch (38:14):
No you’re sending. And you’re also sending a message. I would think that you have the resources inside of you to come up with your own solutions or your own ideas, which is beautiful. Cause I think we have a tendency as parents to want to protect, to want to fight the battles, to want to fix. And that is not a bad instinct, but it’s not really teaching them to have their own resources. Right. So what anything else important that, and this is a great, great kind of, I’m really learning a lot and we could probably have, again, several podcasts on each of these topics. What anything else important that you think we should, you should add that we missed? So I want you to be able to tell, I don’t wanna miss anything. It’s good stuff.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (39:07):
No, I think we really covered it. I mean, this book is you know what, I really, really believe in it. I’ve worked on it so hard. I’ve brought 12 years. Oh my gosh. Yeah, I started and it was not in a good place. I started this and it was very work bookie and very uninteresting. And the, the turning this into a learning of the skills without realizing you’re learning skills because it’s in the course of an adventure, right. And of course have a fun time. That was the toughest thing. And this is what I’m hoping to do is to not only to get into the hands of parents, to give to their kids. And by the way, parents, if you give it to your kids, don’t say this is a book that will teach you how to handle bullying and social anxiety. We’ll blow it up.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (39:52):
They’re not going to want to do it. This is a really fun superhero book that has five star rating on Amazon. Right? And, and, and from kids your age who are reading it, that that’s how you presented it. I’m really hoping to get this into the hands of parents and schools. This is such a great way. This is a fun way, but a great way for schools to help kids learn these things. And there is an added bonus. There is a hidden work of literature, really references peppered in that people will not get unless they know to look for it. But if you, as a teacher are looking to teach turking to teach the great Gatsby, this be a really cool thing to teach, to do alongside of it. Because if you’ve never read it, you won’t catch anything and you don’t need to read it to cut anything. And if you do, you just gave it away, but that’s cool. I gave it. But if you do, man, there are some really, really cool Easter eggs hidden throughout this book. So just, you know, to get it to counselors, teachers, the parents, that if you are, you know, if you’re listening to this and you want to do that, to hand it over to people and pass it on to people who can help spread it around, I mean, this, this could really make a huge difference in the world,
David Waranch (41:11):
Which formats is it available? Is it paper Kindle, audible, or just paper
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (41:19):
It’s ebook and print books. So it’s available in both if you have Kindle unlimited it’s free, it’s it’s an ebook which you can purchase on Amazon as well as print book.
David Waranch (41:34):
Yeah. I still prefer the print. I personally, that’s beautiful. So Amazon and what, where do people find you and can they get it on your website as well?
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (41:45):
Absolutely. www.thecrimsonprotector.com. And that’s the title of the books there, just the title, www.thecrimsonprotector.com. And on it, there is links to a whole bunch of things, including a reading guide. If you are a teacher or a parent, and you want to of see resource and kind of backup and ask questions to, to help reinforce the learning. There is a written by a teacher, a teacher who is also a doctor who has put that together. And there are just a lot of cool things.
David Waranch (42:22):
Good. So, I mean, there’s resources for parents, for teachers to help the kid understand, but the kid isn’t going to be sitting there doing do, as you said, a workbook, I imagine a lot of these are workbooks and yeah, I don’t, I think you’re right. I don’t think they want to do workbooks. If you want to read a book,
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (42:39):
They will not be knowing that they’re learning and they will be learning. And that I think was what makes for me this book really
David Waranch (42:48):
12 years. That’s why, and it just came out. It just came out
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (42:52):
Right. Just came out August 30th.
David Waranch (42:55):
Well, congratulations. Thank you. Thank you so much. This really, really was helpful and powerful because a lot of this stuff I’m dealing with as a father right now, I have a nine-year-old I have 11 year old who is definitely a tween and this stuff is alive and well for so many people. So very, very helpful. We’ll put all of the information about the book in the show notes. I’m absolutely getting it. I hope everybody does. And thank you for writing it and thank you for the work you do. I can see that you’re extremely passionate and it’s very, very important what you’re doing. Thank you, doctor Dr. Jeffrey. Kranzler you’re the man. Thank you. All right. Have a great day.
Dr. Jeffrey Kranzler (43:39):
You too. And thank you man. On the podcast. You man.
David Waranch (43:41):
My pleasure is awesome. See you later. See you later. Yeah.
New Speaker (43:45):
And there you have it. That was my conversation with Dr. Jeffrey. Kranzler Dr. Kranzler. Thank you very much. Again, check out the book. I hope you buy it. Enjoy it. Hope your kids read it. I think this could be very, very helpful in a fiction format. If you or your children are dealing with some of these issues, once again, please consider five-star review subscribe and what not. I really appreciate everybody’s support and yeah, hit me up. If you have any feedback, if you again, know of anyone who could be a great guest on the authentic dad podcast, I hope everyone is safe and well and healthy and hope to see you next time.